Talking and having real conversations with your child is not only a crucial part of parenting, it’s also a key underpinning of their literacy. The words they know and understand impact both how easily they learn to read and write at first and how far they’ll go with their reading and writing down the line.
If you haven’t read Reading for Our Lives, check out this excerpt explaining the importance of “language nutrition” from a child’s earliest years. And conversation doesn’t stop mattering as children advance through grades and reading levels—any more than your guidance, influence, and bond with your child do.
As your little one gets older, though, it can be harder and harder to engage them in meaningful conversation. Time together can be in short supply, for starters, and when you are together they may be mentally and emotionally exhausted from school or focused on new pursuits.
But don’t despair! Through patience and creativity, you can still get your child talking. With a little luck, you’ll even build habits that carry through into the tween and teen years (though you’ll likely encounter a few new roadblocks around then…).
Below are 20 questions to ask your child that are a whole lot more likely to get a real answer than “How was your day?” Read through them, pick some that might work for you, and then see if they spark ideas for other questions that would work with your child.
First, though, a few tips:
Respond to Your Child
Kids can be absolutely spent by the time they get home. School and activities are taxing physically, mentally, and emotionally. Your child has to tackle new subjects, follow loads of rules, engage with many different people, pay attention, navigate the playground and friendships, and just generally be on for hours each day.
Even when it’s all gone well, they may just not want to talk anymore when they get home. If something went wrong, they may need a break without having to talk or think about it. If you try some creative questions to get them talking and they still resist, put yourself in their shoes and give them a break. Don’t give up—just try again later or another day.
Seize the Moments
Sometimes, we parents bang our heads against the metaphorical wall trying to get our kids talking when they don’t feel like it, but when they do want to engage, we brush them off. Now, I’m not saying to drop your work, burn dinner, or take your eyes off the freeway to give your child attention when it just isn’t doable.
Just try to see every one of their bids for conversation as worthwhile, and respond when and how you can—even if it’s just to pause, look them in the eye, and say “Wow! I really want to hear about that. Can we talk when I finish this?” If it’s a time you can engage, even if you really don’t want to (think: bedtime or when you’ve just gotten an important email), try to give your child your undivided attention for five minutes. Often, that’s all they need, and it’s plenty for a meaningful chat.
Listen More than You Talk
This one is hard! It’s so tempting to pelt our kids with questions, especially when we’re actually getting answers out of them. And it’s even more tempting to share our wisdom about everything they tell us. If we jump in too much, though, they may clam up. As much as possible, once they get talking, hear them out.
Ask simple questions or make neutral comments to keep them reflecting and sharing. Do your best to reserve judgment—about them and people they talk about. If you don’t know what to say, have a few go-to neutral phrases you can drop in, like wow, I see, or What do you think about that? When you listen closely, you learn more, and you can remember details to ask about later on to keep the conversation flowing.
Questions to Get Your Child Talking
Below are 20 questions designed to invite elementary-aged kids to share about their day—what happened and how they felt—without feeling like they’re being interrogated. Try one or two at pickup, during snack time, or while getting ready for bed, and see what clicks for your child.
Remember, don’t pelt them with questions. Just use one or two when it feels natural. Rotate questions through the week or tailor them to what you know about your child’s day: for example, You said you were going to have an assembly today. What was the best part?
Getting Started: Warm-Up Questions
- What’s one thing that made you happy today?
- Who did you sit next to at lunch, and what did you talk about?
- What was the most interesting thing you learned in class?
- Was there a time you felt proud of yourself today?
- Did anything surprise you?
Digging Deeper: Feelings and Friendships
- Who made your day better, and how?
- Was there a moment today that felt tricky or confusing?
- Did you help anyone—or did anyone help you?
- Did anything or anyone make you laugh?
- If you could change one thing about today, what would it be?
Exploring the Classroom
- What was your favorite part of your lessons today?
- If your teacher gave out a gold star, who would deserve it and why?
- What’s something you would like to learn about at school?
- Did you do anything creative—like draw, build, or write something new?
- What’s something you’re looking forward to this week?
Imagination and Reflection
- If your school day were a book, what would the title be?
- If you could switch places with your teacher for a day, what would you do first?
- What’s one thing that made you think hard today or one thing you didn’t understand?
- What would you tell a new student about your class or school?
- What’s one thing you’re grateful for at school?
You can probably already think of some other questions specific to your child’s personality, school, interests, or other activities.
Over time, these open-ended questions can build a habit of connection and meaningful conversation that will help your child grow into a deeper reader, writer, and thinker—and help your relationship blossom over the years. You’ll learn about your child’s friendships, challenges, and joys. Most importantly, they’ll learn that you’re always ready to listen.
