Do you ever wish you had a fairy godmother to get you through the tough moments of parenting? Or maybe a magic wand?
Parenting author Deborah Farmer Kris shares how parenting mantras can work like magic for parents when they’re at their wits’ end—how remembering a key phrase can rescue the moment when we’re in deep.
In this interview, she reveals:
- What to say to kids, from toddlers to teens, when they’re stressed
- How to handle children’s meltdowns with six little words
- The single lowest-effort, highest-return thing you can do for your child
As a parent, an author, and an advocate, I’ve found Deborah’s insights illuminating and her advice inspiring. She’s the founder of Parenthood365, author of a powerful line of children’s books, and a parenting writer for outlets like PBS KIDS for Parents and NPR learning blog MindShift.
That’s why I wanted to chat with her about raising kids, and share our conversation with you. I know I’ll keep some of her tips on turning challenging moments with children into transformative ones in my toolbox for use for years to come. If you want to learn some of Deborah’s favorite parenting mantras—plus get inspired to create your own—hit play or scroll down for a transcript of our conversation.
Maya Smart: I'm so excited to be here today with Deborah Farmer Kris, who has worn many hats as a mother, a writer, a parent educator, a teacher, a school administrator, and much more. Can you tell us a bit just about your journey into writing and parent education and also children's literature now?
Deborah Farmer Kris:
I had my first child in 2011 and I began to realize that as much as I just adore working with kids, and I still do—I was trained as an educator—and parenting was still really hard. I was trained in child development. I was steeped in this, and still when my kid would have a meltdown at Target, it just triggers all of your anxieties. And I thought, there’s so many amazing, wonderful, loving parents who don’t have all this training, and that must be… What can we be doing to support each other? And so that’s where I began to get really interested in parent education. And then I decided a couple years ago to write some picture books for kids, which we can talk more about later.
Maya Smart: Tell us a little bit about the process you discovered for translating some of the research and theoretical things that you had learned into actually, in the moment, doing the right thing with your child.
Deborah Farmer Kris:
Well, it really—honestly, the process of writing about it has really, really helped. Because I read everything. I’m a bit of a compulsive student, and so I read lots of articles and books, and like you, I talk to a lot of people. And then when I sit down to, say, write the article for PBS Kids for Parents, I try to think, okay, what are the two nuggets here? Of everything I read, I know that our working memory can only take in so much. What are the two or three nuggets? And then I often think about, okay, so what does that sound like in the moment?
So, let’s say we’re talking about trying to help our kids understand their emotions, or let’s say that they’re hitting their sibling. What might more responsive parenting sound like? And so, practicing the script. And then I would say, all right, so I have to try this myself. It got to the point where I’d practice it so much, it became part of my internal script.
And one of the things that, when I’m working with parents, that I have to emphasize is that it’s never a quick fix. Parenting is a long game. And your child, there’s no cookie cutter. There’s no vending machine where you put in something and out comes your Twix bar. It may work great one day, and the next day you use the exact same script, and it just falls flat. Which is why just feeling like you have a lot of tools, and not just for talking to your kids, but for talking to yourself… What are my go-to things for talking myself down when I’m feeling like crappy parent, or I’m feeling like I don’t have it in me, or I’m triggered by my child’s insecurity that day, because it’s triggering something deep from my childhood, what are my own self-care tools that I am practicing over and over again?
I have a dear friend who has a child who’s been going through a lot of struggles. And she’s the one who said to me, “I just keep telling myself it’s the long game.” And that has become one of my parenting mantras, is that one of the joys of having worked with kindergarten through 12th grade, I work a lot with college seniors, is you see them as fourth graders, and you see them as awkward middle-school students, and their parents are freaking out because their cute 10-year-old is now a very hormonal, sassy 14-year-old, and then you see them as seniors, and you see, okay, this is such the long game. Everything we’re putting into it, none of it’s wasted. All these conversations, all these books that you read to them when they were one-year-olds, that’s not wasted for their literacy when they’re five. And all the conversations you’re having when they’re 9-year-olds about tough stuff are not wasted when you can have a conversation when they’re 15, and the stakes are higher.
Maya Smart: I love this idea of having go-to mantras, both things that you say to your child when certain situations arise, whether they're having a meltdown or some other situation, but then also having go-to mantras or touchstones that you return to for yourself. Do you recommend that people write those out in a journal, or how do they instill the habit of thinking those things?
Deborah Farmer Kris:
I think it’s helpful, whatever your system is, right? Whether it’s helpful to write it down, put it on a sticky. For me, my writing mantra is “tell the story of hope,” and it’s on a sticky note and it’s by my desk. It’s pinned to the top of my Twitter feed, so I see it every time I go there. Because for me, that’s motivating to me, is that we live in a really, sometimes, very scary world. And every time I write an article or write for parents, I think about, how do I tell the story of hope? So if a parent is searching for this because their child is having tremendous anxiety, and so they’re searching out my interview with Lisa Damour about this topic, I want them to leave feeling like hope isn’t… It’s not wishful thinking. It’s not toxic positivity, but it’s real. And that’s a good thing to have.
So sometimes I literally write them down, and sometimes there have been phrases somebody has shared with me that are so good, they just get sticky in my brain. And I’ll share one of them with you that I use with teenagers all the time. And this one actually comes from Lisa Damour’s book, Under Pressure, where she talks about, the real concern is not whether or not your child is stressed out, because they will be, and that’s okay. It’s what are the strategies they’re using to cope with that stress. So are they turning to substance use? Are they turning to self harm? What are the strategies they have?
And so, rather than jumping in to trying to solve it, this phrase, which is just like magic, is: “That sounds tough. How do you want to handle it?” Or: “That stinks. How do you want to handle it?” And that honestly is a great mantra for myself too. So it’s like, okay. The situation stinks. How am I going to handle this?
Because it communicates to kids two things at once. One, empathy. This is a tough situation. But two, confidence. I trust your ability to figure this out, and I’m standing right here by you. And I have had a couple of moments where I’ve been mentoring a high school student. We’ve been going on a walk around the block, and literally every five minutes, they’ll finish something, and I’ll say, “Oh yeah, that’s rough. How do you want to handle this?” And that’s literally almost the only thing I say. And at the end, they’ve solved their own problems, and they thank me for doing—nothing other than listening.
And I feel like that is one of those great core phrases that sometimes I just hear and say, “That’s going to work.” And that may be not the core phrase you choose to use, but I look for those when I’m reading somebody. Like, okay, that one for my child, for my students, I think that one might work. That fits my personality. I’m going to try it and make it my own.
Maya Smart: I also have a 10-year-old, or a child born in 2011, and I definitely will try that phrase out. Because there are almost daily situations with friendship or on the sports field or in other situations where, as a parent, you want to offer a solution and give a specific bit of that, well, you should say this or you should do this. But I love that idea of just stepping back and empathizing with, yes, that's a tough situation. That's tough, but how do you want to handle it? I think it also implies that they have some choices, and they can think through all the different things that come to mind for how they might handle it, and then proactively make a choice that makes sense for them in that moment. Would you also say, when they respond with a way of handling it that isn't how you would've recommended, how do you follow up? How do you pause and not correct or change what they've responded with?
Deborah Farmer Kris:
That’s a great question. I’ll go to the high schoolers I work with, because this is… For anybody you have who has a high school audience, sometimes I just ask, “If you could wave a magic wand and solve the situation, what would be… What would you hope it would come out of it?” And then if there… First of all, if it’s not something that’s going to necessarily hurt anybody, they can try it. And if it fails, they try something else. I don’t want to undermine their ability to test something else, because trial and error is a huge part of, just, emotional growth. But if their instinct is to be like, “I’m going to go tell that teacher off,” then I’ll say, “Okay, but what do you want the ultimate outcome to be? Well, if you want to still have a good relationship with that teacher, is this going to help get you there?” And so it’s more of that—coaching questions.
But the idea being the coach versus the problem solver. It’s so easy to say this when you’re writing the article. It’s so much harder in the moment because you’re thinking, “I’ve been here. I can solve your problem.” But it’s really undermining for kids and for their… Even just for their own, not only their growth, but for their anxiety, if we’re constantly stepping in, saying, “This is how to handle it. This is how to handle it.” Because I think it reflects that I can’t do this without my mom or dad. I can’t do this without my teacher. And we want them ultimately to be able to do it without us. With our love, with our support, but with the confidence they can do it on their own.
Maya Smart: Another thing I've gained from reading your work, both in children's literature, and then also through your columns, is this idea of I love you all the time as a mantra or something that parents can just have as a go-to. And I can imagine that phrase being used with a toddler who's had a meltdown, and you're responding to that. I love you, but I'd like to maybe see a different behavior. But then also, as you mentioned with the teenager who's having some more complicated problems and maybe making choices that aren't necessarily the ones that you would make as an adult who's lived through some of that trial and error that they have up ahead. But can you tell us a bit about the inspiration for this book, I Love You All the Time, and the message that it sends to children through parents?
Deborah Farmer Kris:
So that is my ultimate parenting mantra. That is the one. And the background on that is really when my daughter was a two-year-old and she was having just an epic meltdown, and I was trying everything in my repertoire to calm her down. It wasn’t working. And I finally, I scooped her up, and I put her on my lap. And we were rocking, and she was fighting me. And I said to her, “I really love you when you’re mad.” And she stopped crying. And she looked at me like I was nuts. And so I kept going, and I said, “I love you when you’re happy. I love you when you’re sad. I love you when you’re scared. I love you when you’re mad, I love you all the time.”
And she settled down. And I realized that that was, I think, such a core question that so many of us have about our own selves, even as adults, of will I still be loved if I don’t do this. And I think for kids who have these big, overwhelming feelings or are getting lots of constructive feedback, let’s say you have a child who is neurodivergent, who they’re getting constant feedback at school about… “Where are your shoes? Where’s your assignment? Where’s this? Pay attention.” Just to be… That feeling that Mr. Rogers gave those of us of that generation, who watched him and could hear him say, “I love you just the way you are.”
So that became my nighttime ritual with my kids, is that I would say that. “I love you when you’re happy. I love you when you’re sad. I love you when you’re scared. I love you when you’re mad. I love you all the time.”
And my son, when he got a little older, would start pushing on that. And he would say things like, “What if I chopped down your favorite tree? What if I punched you? Would you still love me?” And it was this awesome opportunity to talk through, “I wouldn’t be happy that you hit me, but I would still love you.” That love is the common baseline.
And I think it reminds me that in so much of parenting, there are things that we assume our kids know. And I think so much of parenting is making the implicit explicit. So the things that we think that they understand, from issues of how to be polite and say please and thank you, how to write a thank you card, to issues of race and class in America. We might assume they’ve just picked it up, but we have to be able to talk in an open way. And so for me, being able to say “I love you all the time,” that’s my mantra. Then that’s the baseline where we can have every other conversation, every other important conversation.
So after about seven years, I decided, hey, that’s a picture book, so I turned it into one. Free Spirit accepted it and then said, “Could you turn into a series?” And that’s how the All the Time series came about.
Maya Smart: And what was it like for you, transitioning from writing for parents to writing for children?
Deborah Farmer Kris:
Well, the great part about writing for Free Spirit is that at the back of the book, there’s a letter to caregivers, which is one reason I really want to work with them, is because my thought was, one of the most amazing moments for me as a parent, there’s nothing I love more than read aloud. I’ve read to my kids every day since they were born. They’re 8 and 10 now. It’s just part of our daily routine. And I thought, there are a lot of parents for whom they may not be reading the parenting book, but hopefully they’re still sitting and reading to their kid. And so, all of these books are written from a caregiver’s voice writing to a child—sorry, speaking to a child. And so, I thought I’d love to be able to just almost facilitate that moment between a caregiver and a child, where in reading this book, there was that practice with the language, but also just that sense of closeness that can come.
And so, the best part is that my kids could be beta testers on a book like this, and I’ve read so many thousands of books, not only to my own kids, but as an elementary school teacher, that getting the rhythm right was really important to me. Getting the pictures, art direction right was really important because I just know what read-aloud can be. And so do you, with all of your work on reading, that it feels—much more so than even my other writing for publications—this feels like, almost, the sacred-trust writing, because you’re writing something that is read aloud to a child. And that, to me, it’s just absolute magic that I’ve had a chance to do it. And I’m super excited to do more of it.
Maya Smart: I love this idea that the book itself contains a lesson for parents. There are so many wonderful children's books, and, as parents, we choose them for all different reasons. Sometimes we love more of the story, or we love the illustrations, or there's some other feature of the book that we love. And sometimes, books—the author's intent for how the book will be read and what it can teach are different than the parents' ideas. So I love this idea of books that are explicitly written in the parents' voice and books that contain a couple of pages of notes or a letter to the parent, telling them how best to apply some of the themes of the book in everyday life with the child. But I love the phrase that you use also, just facilitating a moment with children. What advice do you have for parents, as someone who has read hundreds of books now, or hundreds of stories? What advice would you have for a parent who has not yet instilled that habit, or perhaps doesn't see the value in it?
Deborah Farmer Kris:
It’s the most rewarding, high-benefits, low-effort thing you can do to influence your child, in the sense that you can go and get some books at the library, zero cost, sit down. And every time you read a book to your child, you know you are helping them. You know that moment, one, is developing a relationship with books, because they’re associating books with the moment of closeness with their parent. They’re getting just the sense, the rhythm of the story, the context clues. And so, I know especially when COVID just started and there was so much concern about how do we do this at home? And my thought is, if we do nothing else but sit and read to our kids, the research is so profound that children who are read to are those who become stronger readers.
And it’s not… And I think so much of that is just even the emotional connection with books, that you remember the lilt of a person’s voice, your grandmother sitting and reading a favorite book, and sitting on the lap and having that closeness. And, for me, I do mostly read aloud at bedtime. And so, it’s one of those ways where even if the evening really didn’t go well, there’s a moment of closeness at the end of the day. Pick one book off the shelf. Often, it’s an old favorite. We’ll sit, we can read one book, and you end the day feeling connected.
But I remember, my second book is You Have Feelings All the Time. And before I wrote that, I remember there was a day when my son was about four, and he was just having a terrible evening. And I had lost my patience. He had lost his. And finally, I was like, “Go get yourself a book.” Because I always read a book. And he went over to a shelf, and he pulled out Glad Monster, Sad Monster, which is a feelings book.
And he brought it over. And I read it, and I actually got teary while I was reading it. And I looked at him and I said, “Are you having a lot of big feelings today?” He just—his eyes got big and he nodded. And I thought, that book provided this moment where it allowed him to communicate what he was struggling to communicate. His emotions, his behavior was not about trying to make me angry or be defiant. It was about something else going on inside of him. And it was just that reminder to me.
And, you know, I go in and read these books to a bunch of preschoolers. I’ve been going on the school tour. It’s the best book tour ever. I get to go to a bunch of preschools. And these four- and five-year-olds, they love talking about their emotions. You just get them started, and they really are so eager to talk to an adult. And so, I’d say if you’re sitting down to read a book like You Have Feelings All the Time, just pause, look at the pictures, and say, “What do you think she’s feeling right now?” There’s this spread at the end where they’re releasing butterflies at the end, the classes raised butterflies. And before I showed it to them, I think I said, “Well, how do you think everyone’s feeling because they’re about to release the butterflies?” “They’re excited, they’re happy.”
And then I show the picture. And there’s one man who’s scared, and there’s a baby who’s crying, and there’s a mom who looks stressed-out, and somebody’s flapping excited, and somebody’s sitting peacefully—because we have feelings all the time. And they’re not always what we expect to have. So, picture books are so, so amazing as their own genre, to be able to sit and read to kids and get them to think contextually and to just bond and just pause and point out, what are you noticing here? And often, they’ll notice stuff that we haven’t.
So sometimes, if you just pause and linger, you’re going to learn a lot about your kid just by hearing how they’re talking about the pictures. It’s magical. Get a library card, go stock up. To me, it’s one of the great benefits of parenting is that you get to read books.
I take every opportunity I can to encourage people to invest in giving all our children the strong start they need to thrive in school and life. And the importance of intentional, ongoing support of families with young children is even more urgent given pandemic-related academic losses and trauma. So I was particularly honored to share this message with hundreds of women during a keynote speech at the 2022 Women United Bruncheon of the United Way of Greater Milwaukee & Waukesha County.
It was a powerful moment and event. It was Women United’s first event since before the pandemic, and my own first speaking appearance since then as well. It offered an opportunity to reflect on accomplishments and, more importantly, to examine how we can do more in a world where Covid has compounded already weighty challenges.
In my address, I argued that we need to advocate for policies that support children and families:
“Now imagine what happens if we all continue to work. If we work at preventing the reading challenges we can, and intervening early for those we can’t prevent. If we work at bolstering families’ access to books, early-literacy best practices, and high-quality reading instruction. If we work at advocating for paid parental leave, high-quality and affordable preschool, and better teacher training.
“I think our collective efforts could change the life trajectories of millions of students. Improve their job prospects, health, and self-regard. I think it will work. I think we should try.”
You can watch the full speech below, or scroll down for a transcript.
It is a rare honor to deliver a keynote message to such an esteemed group of women. And particularly so at your first post-pandemic gathering.
When a small group of leaders, some of whom are in the audience today, came together in 2002 to ponder ways to make a difference by forming a women’s initiative, pandemic-wrought global shutdowns were not on their minds. A time like this when I can stand before more than 400 of you in person and more via livestream anywhere in the world was not on their minds.
The women gathered instead with a very urgent mission in their hearts—to make Milwaukee a safer, healthier place for girls and women. This was a substantial undertaking. After all, they were talking about life-threatening issues like violence, victimization, and the circumstances that lead to children bearing children.
But the women, brave and unshrinking, looked at the problem head-on, had the tough discussions, aired the concerns, and worked through the tensions. Then they did what needed to be done:
- Gathered evidence to define problems and solutions
- Selected a vulnerable demographic to focus on
- Convened and organized a large and powerful coalition of partners
- Delivered an intensive intervention
- Assessed and improved upon results
- Took what worked to scale
The fruits of this labor? Fewer children born to children. But that wasn’t all. The wins were better high-school graduation rates, better adolescent health, better lifetime earning potential. The wins were lower likelihood of poverty, incarceration, and foster-care entrance. The wins were fewer children born at high risk of being underweight at birth, being unprepared for kindergarten, having the behavioral problems and chronic medical conditions often correlated with being born to an adolescent parent.
The wins also included personal transformations among the women involved. They learned how to pursue big civic goals with vision, collaboration, and consistency over time. They learned how to be a part of a far-reaching, long-term movement. They learned how to be Women United.
There’s a quote that Nicole Angresano, vice president of community impact, uttered years ago that speaks to this intent to stay the course.
She said, “We said early on that we need to make a commitment, internally and publicly, that the initiative will be sustained even beyond our end-goal of lowering the adolescent pregnancy rate by 46 percent. In fact, it is not an end-goal, it is our first goal. Even when we get to a 46 percent drop, that is still too many kids having babies. We will continue to press and not become self-congratulatory.”
I love that. Continue to press. Do not become self-congratulatory.
Continue to press. Do not become self-congratulatory.
And so United Way leaders, Women’s Leadership Council, Women United, and esteemed guests, here we are 20 years on from the start of something great. Here we are more than 1,600 people strong in the largest Women United network in the world. Here we are with a unique opportunity to continue to press and make the next 20 years of action on behalf of women and girls something worth celebrating in 2042.
We know there’s much work to do. We know that whatever problems we had prior to COVID have only intensified since. Earlier in this program CEO Amy Lindner spoke of the hopelessness, desperation, and fear so many felt amid the pandemic. She spoke of the heightened food insecurity, increased housing fragility, soaring family violence, and more.
From my work in education, I’ve seen countless ways that the pandemic has had a severely negative impact on kids’ academic prospects as well. And to be frank, the situation is especially dire in Milwaukee, because educational disparities were extreme to begin with.
Here’s the current reality:
- The picture of literacy in America has been grim. We’ve had stagnant reading scores for decades pre-Covid and devastating learning loss since. And, now, as schools close for the year, a mass summertime academic slide will begin its predictable descent.
- Already poor reading achievement dipping to new lows in Covid times has been dubbed “the kindergarten crisis” and an estimated third of early elementary students will need intensive support to learn to read.
- But that’s not the worst of it. Kindergarten is merely a point in time when headline-grabbing data is captured. The condition is pre-existing.
- New evidence suggests that babies’ and toddlers’ neurodevelopment and cognitive performance plummeted in the pandemic, hurt by caregiver stress and isolation.
And I know that each of you can cite examples from your own industries and personal experiences of the ways that the pandemic has taken pre-existing challenges and ramped them up to crisis levels. Businesses and nonprofits alike have struggled mightily with recruiting and retaining qualified staff, managing finance and revenue, and delivering programs, products, and services.
Given all of this, the question becomes: what would it take for each of us to do our parts to raise Women United’s bar of service, leadership, and philanthropy in our community to meet the even more complex and urgent needs of today and the next 20 years?
The answer, I believe, is doubling down on our strengths as individual contributors to society, and expanding and deepening our connections to others who share our vision of a better world for women and girls. As author Molly Carlile put it, “This is what will change the world … a ground swell of people pouring their energy into manifesting their ‘preferred future’ instead of being worn down by disillusion and disappointment.”
With its mission to “mobilize a powerful network of women who strengthen our community through an investment of talent, compassion, and philanthropy,” Women United is part of the groundswell. What makes the network powerful is the positive energy each of us pours in.
We’re each a “node” in the network. We each represent different organizations, different demographics, different resources, different expertise. Take a look at the women at your table. Then take a look at the women at the next table over. And the next table. Seriously, look around and imagine your reach, your influence—your power to shape Milwaukee’s future—expanding with each new connection.
Our relationships with one another are the invisible architecture that upholds the network. When we connect across our table, across our differences, we can foster stronger flows of information, smarter allocation of resources, greater recognition of opportunity, and better results.
I was reminded of the power of networks when I attended my 20th college reunion earlier this month. The event gave me a personal occasion to reflect on the span of years from 20 to 40. The years saw young women who once skulked around campus in rumpled peasant tops, platform flip flops, and pocketless bootcut jeans transformed into dynamos that had founded publicly traded companies, led think tanks, run for Congress, produced films and television shows, written consequential books, and more.
Yet in each case, the accomplishments were clear extensions of the students we’d been as 20-year-olds. The successes weren’t inevitable. But they weren’t surprising, either.
The seeds of whatever we accomplished post-graduation were in the subjects we studied, the papers we wrote, and the dreams we cast when we were still in school. The seeds were also in the groups we joined, the friends we made, the contacts we shared, the relationships we cultivated.
And 20 years later, we weren’t just at the reunion to reminisce. We were there to strengthen our ties to one another and to our college. We were investing in the network and benefiting from it too.
In order for Women United to leverage the power of its sizable network, each of us, individually, personally, has to get clear on what we have to give. The experiences, skills, connections, and perspectives we can bring to the table.
I’ll give you an example from my life. When my daughter, Zora, was three years old, I dove headfirst into an exhaustive search for the best school for her. I quickly discovered that Austin had some amazing schools with skilled teachers, innovative curricula, and beautiful facilities, but they were concentrated in certain neighborhoods and didn’t reach or serve all Austin children. In fact, at most of the so-called great schools I visited in those early months, I saw a jarring lack of racial and socioeconomic diversity.
I saw the same division, disparity and inequity over and over again from different angles.
I saw it in heat maps showing concentrations of people of color living in poverty and experiencing low educational attainment.
I saw it in groups of primarily brown and black children learning in portables with outdated books featuring characters that didn’t resemble them.
I saw it in reports showing how the zip code children were born into could predict how well-prepared for kindergarten they would be, how much experience their teachers would have, how strong their reading skills would become, how much support they would have on the path to and through college.
I wanted to understand for myself what was really going on and how to turn it around. So, I read hundreds of books and articles on reading instruction and children’s literature. I interviewed expert practitioners and researchers. I spent thousands of hours volunteering as a book buddy, parent coach, library assistant, and advisor to numerous literacy organizations. I led community outreach for literary events, granted funds to libraries statewide, curated author experiences for children living in poverty.
I learned so many valuable lessons. But what mattered most for making a difference wasn’t what I knew but who I connected with. Who I asked questions of, who I shared information with, who I worked alongside.
Eventually my personal effort to better understand what it takes to raise a reader tipped into a larger mission to help all parents learn what’s needed to do this vital work. And during the pandemic I buckled down to write a book, called Reading for Our Lives: A Literacy Action Plan from Birth to Six.
And when I shared that I was moving to Milwaukee, a contact from a foundation featured in the book introduced me to a host of people here at the Office of Early Childhood Education, Marquette, UWM, Next Door, Penfield Children, and more. And they, too, have made introductions that have expanded my network and my impact.
This isn’t the transactional kind of networking that one writer described as “the unpleasant task of trading favors with strangers.” Rather, it’s transformational in nature. It’s the joyful work of exchanging ideas, support, and expertise with neighbors.
All of these partners in my newly expanded network share a commitment to spreading the message that, while it’s crucial for schools to teach what students need to learn (from phonics and math to history and science), it’s just as imperative that parents and caregivers are well-equipped and supported to lay the groundwork kids need in order to learn well when they arrive in school.
We’re all working in different ways (research, programming, advocacy) to highlight the fierce urgency of better supporting families during the first years of children’s lives, when caregivers’ nurturing, supportive back-and-forth verbal engagement shapes kids’ brain structure and function for life.
By around two years old, the major brain circuits and networks are in place, according to evidence from anatomical, physiological, and gene-expression studies. From there on out, brain development is mostly about refining what’s already in place.
We all have unique resources and expertise to give. One of my favorite examples of this comes from someone I met while volunteering with an affordable permanent housing program years ago.
He’d been homeless in four different states. He spent his entire 20s in prison in Mississippi, but even there, given his circumstances, he found a way to give back. He was one of the few fully literate inmates there and worked with a nun to teach other prisoners to read. It was in the 80s and they used a program called Hooked on Phonics. It worked, he said.
It worked at giving him a purpose during his incarceration. It worked at teaching adults who had failed to learn to read every single year of their youths how to read. It worked to help them read letters from their families on their own for the first time. It worked to help them feel a direct connection to home and imagine new possibilities for themselves upon parole. It worked.
Now imagine what happens if we all continue to work. If we work at preventing the reading challenges we can, and intervening early for those we can’t prevent. If we work at bolstering families’ access to books, early-literacy best practices, and high-quality reading instruction. If we work at advocating for paid parental leave, high-quality and affordable preschool, and better teacher training.
I think our collective efforts could change the life trajectories of millions of students. Improve their job prospects, health, and self-regard. I think it will work. I think we should try.
If we did, it would be a great tribute to the founding women who first united to create this network. Those who had a vision and pursued it. Those who ran meetings and raised funds, volunteered time and donated money. Those who charted strategy, wooed partners, and held everyone accountable.
In short, we should be Women United. We should continue to press.
Thank you.
Summer is here! And while kids may rejoice at the prospect of sleeping in, exploring the beach, or going on a trip, the reality for parents is that changes in school and child care routines can take a toll. Lazy days are often few and far between for caregivers who are ever on call to shepherd the health, safety, and development of little ones.
That’s why I’ve compiled a digital Summer Survival Kit for parents and caregivers who pre-order my book, Reading for Our Lives: A Literacy Action Plan from Birth to Six, forthcoming from Avery/Penguin Random House in July.
This bonus is available exclusively to people who pre-order the book. You’ll also get early access to a bunch of other useful resources and freebies for raising readers, designed to support the action plan outlined in the book. Once you order your copy, complete the form below to get instant access to the freebies.
The Summer Survival Kit was designed to make it easier to ride the waves with your kids this summer. It contains a curated digital library of tips and summer activities for kids—along with cheat sheets and checklists of what you’ll need to plan a fun, easy, cheap, and educational summer. Inside you’ll find:
- Recommendations of music, audio stories, and podcasts to navigate your days
- Conversation prompts to encourage the back-and-forth exchanges kids need to build brain connections, vocabulary, and knowledge
- A list of simple, inexpensive, easy-to-find, reusable, and adaptable tools to enrich daily life and learning
- A roundup of board games that are as educational as they are fun
- A bucket list of activities to make the most of your summer
I hope these activities bring you and your family joy as you grow and learn together!
Preorder Receipt
More about Reading for Our Lives
When my daughter went off to school, I was shocked to discover that a good education in America is a long shot, in ways that few parents fully appreciate. Our current approach to literacy offers too little, too late, and attempting to play catch-up when kids get to kindergarten can no longer be our default strategy. The brain architecture for reading develops rapidly during infancy, and early language experiences are critical to building it. That means parents’ work as children’s first teachers begins from day one too—and we need deeper knowledge to play our positions.
Reading for Our Lives challenges the bath-book-bed mantra and the idea that reading aloud to our kids is enough to ensure school readiness. Instead, it gives parents easy, immediate, and accessible ways to nurture language and literacy development from the start. Through personal stories, historical accounts, scholarly research, and practical tips, this book presents the life-and-death urgency of reading, investigates inequity in its achievement, and illuminates a path to a true, transformative education for all.
In the book, you’ll find:
- A clear roadmap. Find out what to expect and focus on at each stage and age, from infancy to early elementary.
- An understanding of foundational literacy skills. Learn how basic skills affect long-term success, and how to introduce and strengthen them with warmth and compassion.
- Easy action items. Seamlessly add literacy-rich habits into your daily family life with no special tools, apps, or materials required.
- Evidence-supported tactics. Discover routines, conversation starters, activities, and more that help make regular days with small kids more educational and enjoyable.
Praise for Reading for Our Lives
I have rarely had a more visceral reaction to a book than I had in reading Maya Smart’s Reading for Our Lives: I was, in turn, frightened, angered, reassured, and finally, inspired. I was frightened because I thought back on all the things I missed about reading while raising my kids that she expertly details here. I was angry because she offers an expert roadmap for navigating the tough terrain of literacy for our children. And I was inspired because her book is so eloquent and easy to understand as she leads us in the crucial work of providing our children their best futures because they are truly literate. This is a brilliant, timely and life-changing book that is worth far more to you and your children than what it costs to read Maya Smart’s illuminating words and soak in her transformative wisdom.
Michael Eric Dyson, co-author of Unequal: A Story of America
An amazing book for perhaps the most important job parents have: getting our kids to love to read.
Ryan Holiday, #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Daily Stoic, The Obstacle Is the Way, and Ego Is the Enemy
A must-read for any parent! This exceptional book walks you through not only the why of reading to your child but the way. The scientifically grounded, step-by-step insights outlined here can heighten both your and your child’s joy at learning one of life’s most important skills: reading.
Barbara Oakley, author of A Mind for Numbers
Reading for Our Lives is the book to turn to when nurturing critical readers. Like reading, Smart’s book is for our children’s lives. Don’t miss out, because our kids must not miss out on the life-giving power of reading.
Ibram X. Kendi, National Book Award-winning author of Stamped from the Beginning and How to Be an Antiracist
I anticipate a revolution of reading readiness once parents get their hands on this book! In Reading for Our Lives, Maya Smart puts her faith in parents as the key participants in leading our youngest learners into literacy. No more tears over tedious workbooks or relentless drilling. Instead, Smart offers countless, actionable tips and practices to be used at home. Smart rightly claims that learning to read is of urgent, liberating importance for today’s children. Preparing them at home so that they are equipped for school is a gift any parent can easily give their children, with Smart’s book in hand. I’ll be recommending Reading for Our Lives for years to come. It’s the best book about learning to read I’ve ever read!
Julie Bogart, creator and founder of Brave Writer, author of The Brave Learner and Raising Critical Thinkers
Wondering how to make your child smarter (and if that’s even possible)? Before you splurge on dubious brain-boosting toys, games, and videos, it might be worth focusing your attention a little closer to home. And by that, we mean your parenting style.
Research shows that there is a strong association between parenting styles and cognitive development. And more specifically, that practicing responsive parenting—understanding your child’s emotional and physical needs, and reacting to them appropriately and consistently—can have a significant impact on intelligence, as well as emotional and physical wellbeing.
The World Health Organization summarized the impact that studies found from this kind of parenting: “Maternal responsiveness in early childhood was associated with social competence and fewer behavioral problems at three years; increased intelligence quotient (IQ) and cognitive growth at four-and-a-half years; school achievement at seven years; as well as higher IQ and self-esteem, and fewer behavioral and emotional problems at age 12.”
Sounds good, right? But what exactly is responsive parenting and how do we do it? Which specific actions have scientists highlighted as fostering intelligence and why? Let’s take a look at six simple ideas you can try today.
Practice Responsive Parenting!
Start From Birth
Don’t wait until your child has reached a particular age or milestone before tuning into them and responding to them in kind. One study showed that mothers’ sensitive behavior towards and language with their five-month old babies—long before infants can speak words—had a positive ripple effect on those children’s core language skills up to four years later. And kids who start school with strong verbal skills do better in their academic and social-emotional growth later.
Act Lovingly
Parents who consistently behave affectionately and emotionally support their children will nurture their kids’ developing self-regulation skills and increase the chances of them forming a secure attachment bond. What happens when a young child feels like mom and dad are a safe home base? They develop not only an increased ability to communicate their thoughts and needs, but also a greater interest and willingness to explore the world, leading to more learning.
Support Focus and Problem-Solving
Young attention spans develop gradually. And one way to help kids focus is to structure activities and play in ways that help them build up to a more active or independent role in time. That could mean engaging together in a puzzle, for example, and gently helping your child maintain focus by talking through problem-solving together, rather than redirecting or distracting them as soon as frustration crops up. The idea is that eventually your child will be able to regulate their behavior and figure things out for themselves. According to the same study that highlighted the importance of loving parenting, infants who had responsive mothers showed greater problem-solving skills than those who didn’t.
Make Plenty of Time and Space for Play
Play is crucial for learning and brain development, and it’s linked with improved attention, language and math skills, problem-solving, and reasoning. Young children with responsive parents can be free and supported to engage with play more deeply, and so display more complex play skills than those without. Honoring your child’s need for play and your role within that is a great way to foster their cognitive and emotional skills for years to come. This can look like responding positively to their play initiatives (for example, joining their make-believe games), standing by as a nurturing observer or engaged commentator as they play, or helping them explore or regulate their emotions as they play.
Encourage Early Remembering
Being able to talk about the past is a key language milestone, and it’s also an important achievement in children’s communicative and cognitive development. How can parents nurture the development of this skill? Ask questions! One study showed that responsive mothers who frequently asked their toddlers about past events could help in boosting short and long-term recollection and building autobiographical memory. You can ask your little ones about their earliest memories or about past experiences, and you can model recollections by telling stories of your own!
Take Turns In ‘Conversation’
When it comes to the role of parents in cognitive development, positive use of language and communication plays a key role, so it’s worth paying attention to how that looks in your family, especially in terms of your responsiveness.
In early talk with babies and kids, timely back-and-forth exchanges between a child and a grown-up, or vice-versa, are known as conversational turns. Simple yet powerful, they boost cognitive development, and are linked to increased connectivity between two key language areas of the brain and higher IQ in later childhood. Good to know: The “responses” in conversational turns don’t have to be recognizable words—that means a baby’s coos or a toddler’s made-up lingo all count, as long as the caretaker responds to those vocalizations within five seconds.
Parents eager to get conversation flowing with their little ones can try simple tactics like turning daily routines and activities into opportunities for chatting, making screen-time more interactive by talking about what’s happening on-screen, and avoiding interruptions. Our tips for engaging kids during read-alouds work well for engaging small kids in conversation during non-reading situations, too. And check out our Everyday Literacy collection of activities for ideas of fun ways to mix print awareness and pre-reading or reading skills into everyday life, as well.
And those who want to take conversations with infants to a deeper level can use relevant and descriptive language, back up spoken words with physical gestures, and modify their responses in line with their child’s developing skills. For example, stick to very simple language for the youngest babies and incorporate more complex turns of phrase or questions as their vocabulary and skills grow.
Welcome to the July edition of Smart Story Time!
Keeping new books in the mix keeps reading time fresh for your child, as well as continually exposing them to new subjects and vocabulary. That’s why we curate some of our best recommendations for diverse kids’ books around timely topics each month. We hope this inspires you to find some awesome new-to-you reads for your child at your local library or independent bookstore.
Here are some topics to delve into with your child this month:
Picture Books for Fourth of July
For Independence Day, contributor and early childhood educator Chrysta Naron recommends a selection of wonderful picture books that explore the beauty and diversity of America.
From We the Kids, which explains the preamble to the U.S. Constitution, to artist Faith Ringgold’s We Came to America, this list shares impactful kids’ titles to help you and your child celebrate, contemplate, and converse about this nation.
Then extend the learning and the bonding by helping your child create their very own kids’ bill of rights. Bonus: We also have a firework literacy craft to help your child practice tricky words while making some cute Fourth of July-themed art.
Kids’ Books by & about Nelson Mandela
For parents seeking to teach their children about history through the true stories of people who’ve worked to shape it for the better, it’s hard to imagine a more inspiring subject than anti-apartheid activisit, South African president, and Nobel prize winner Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela.
Introduce your kids to this towering figure of modern history through three children’s books produced by Mandela himself and the Nelson Mandela Foundation. For younger readers and listeners, there’s a picture book adaptation of Nelson Mandela’s autobiography. For middle-schoolers and comic lovers, there’s a large-format graphic novel that recounts the story of Nelson Mandela and the country he served.
And for readers of any age who can appreciate a good fable, there’s a collection of 32 classic, and some newer, African folktales selected by Mandela—each accompanied by a whimsical, colorful illustration.
Picture Books about Birds & Nature
Take advantage of summer by pairing some books about the great outdoors with outings to explore it together with your child. (After all, spending time outside in natural green spaces provides major benefits for raising readers.)
To begin, try this bird walk activity for preschoolers created by birder and conservationist Susan Gadamus—you’ll find a number of recommended picture books at the end of the post.
Then, for more picture books about nature, take a look at writer Karen Williams’s list of picture books celebrating water and author Tulani Thomas’s favorite eco-friendly reads for kids.
Picture Books about Your Child’s Interests
MayaSmart.com is your one-stop-shop for raising a reader. Check out our other kids’ book lists and articles. In addition to bringing books into your reading time that tackle timely topics or important subjects, be sure to follow their interests, as well. If your kid loves science or animals—read about those topics. Following their interests keeps them engaged and helps you build a responsive relationship with your child.
We’ll be back next month with the next installment of Smart Story Time. Meanwhile, feel free to message me with requests for future posts, book recommendations, or just to say hi!
What are you reading with your child this month? Scroll down to connect on social media & let me know!
Welcome to the June edition of Smart Story Time!
Keeping new books in the mix keeps family reading time fresh for your child (and you), as well as introducing them to new subjects and vocabulary. That’s why we curate some of our best recommendations for diverse picture books around timely topics each month. We hope this inspires you to find some awesome new-to-you reads for your child at your local library or independent bookstore.
Here are some topics, plus recommended reads, to delve into with your child this month:
Picture Books for Father’s Day
Father’s Day is fast approaching! It’s a great moment to honor Dad—and all the special guys in your and your child’s life. This year, why not create a celebration of dads, uncles, and grandpas on your bookshelf?
The gift of a book is wonderful in and of itself, but the gift of time spent reading together is priceless. Check out this list of sweet picture books to read for Father’s Day and celebrate the men you care about. Bonus: Make a sweet DIY Father’s Day card with an acrostic poem.
Kids’ Books about Juneteeth
Juneteenth marks the day in 1865 that word of the Emancipation Proclamation finally reached enslaved Texans, two years and six months after President Abraham Lincoln issued it. On June 19, Union General Gordon Granger arrived in the state and announced the news, making Texas one of the last states to legally abolish slavery.
In 1980, Texas declared Juneteenth a statewide holiday and, thanks to the work of activists like Opal Lee, it recently became a federal holiday. To remember and celebrate the freedom the day commemorates, writer Courtney Runn compiled a list of inspiring and informative Juneteenth picture books to read with your children.
Picture Books for Pride Month
June is Pride month, a time to celebrate the LGBTQ+ community in all its wonderful uniqueness. It’s an opportunity for queer families to be seen and to share. It’s also a time to spark some valuable conversations with your children.
Early childhood educator Chrysta Naron has put together a list of some of her favorite joyful books with LGBTQ+ characters and stories for you to take a look at this month. Be prepared for giggles, touching conversations, and tons of rainbow color!
Books to Inspire (and Occupy) Your Kids All Summer
If your child’s on summer vacation, it’s worth investing some time early on to cement the reading habit and ensure that reading books takes pride of place among free-time activities. Read our tips for summer reading and our article about proven ways to motivate kids to read for suggestions on building and reinforcing the love of reading. These include sharing books your child loves, books their friends are into, and books they can enjoy independently.
On that last note, if your child isn’t reading yet, consider getting some quality wordless picture books from your library or bookshop. They’re good for building comprehension, storytelling, reading fluency, and all-around book love. And they’re also fabulous for keeping kids gainfully entertained, at home or on the road (as are audiobooks!).
If you’re hitting the road or getting together with relatives this summer, you’ll also want to check out our posts on building reading and writing into family travel, educational road trip games, and using books to set the scene for great visits with relatives. (We also have suggestions for fun summer activities that incorporate learning, to keep you and your little ones entertained around home!)
Picture Books about Your Child’s Interests
MayaSmart.com is your one-stop-shop for raising a reader. Check out our other kids’ book lists and articles. In addition to sharing books that tackle timely topics or important subjects, be sure to follow your child’s interests, as well. If your kid loves basketball or puppies—read about those topics. Following their interests keeps them engaged and helps you build a responsive relationship with your child.
We’ll be back next month with the next installment of Smart Story Time. Meanwhile, feel free to message me with requests for future posts, book recommendations, or just to say hi!
What are you reading with your child this month? Connect on social media & let me know!
With the excitement of March Madness in the air, it’s an opportunity to use some good basketball stories to get kids hooked on reading. If your child is into the game, why not check out some of these fun and inspiring tales of teamwork, perseverance, and thrilling last-second shots?
These children’s basketball books for March Madness will draw little fans into story time. So you and your mini hooper can grab a book, settle in, and let the fun continue long after the final buzzer!
Learning to accept and love themselves as they are is a journey for kids—and it can be a beautiful journey that each child experiences in their own unique way. Whether it’s curls, coils, waves, straight locks, or no locks, embracing their natural hair is a celebration of identity and self-love. Meanwhile, choosing, changing, or styling their hair can also be a form of self-expression and joy. And parents can affirm all of this hair love through picture books that reflect the joy and pride to be found in every strand.
This post shares some carefully selected hair love picture books that explore all types of hair and ‘dos to help kids accept themselves. These books will delight your children, while helping build and reinforce a positive self-image. Let’s dive into these vibrant stories that encourage little readers to love and embrace their wonderful natural or chosen hair.
What’s that on your bookshelf? It’s a story… It’s an adventure… It’s a superhero book!
From their first appearances in comic books to the blockbuster films featuring them every summer, kids have loved superheroes. They represent so much that children cherish—good triumphing over evil, ordinary people secretly being extraordinary, and really cool costumes. Children live in a world where they have very little power. They have to go where adults tell them, do what adults ask, wear what adults buy them, and eat what adults cook. They can be picked on by older siblings or teased at school. They’re often not quite strong enough or old enough to help others in large-scale ways. So, for kids, superheroes can epitomize what they wish for and wish to be.
Because of their appeal, superhero children’s books are a natural way to draw your child into books and reading (or reading more). Even better, you can select from a myriad of children’s books that feature superheroes whose true superpowers are traits your child already possesses or you would like to help them develop. Traits like patience, bravery, kindness, and empathy. After all, what’s better than seeing a superhero fly? Seeing a superhero that’s just like you. So cuddle your caped crusaders and enjoy one of these amazing superhero picture books for preschoolers and beyond!
If you know someone with an aspiring superhero at home, please share this article!
This Diwali, ignite your child’s imagination and welcome them into a world of colors, traditions, and togetherness through a selection of enchanting picture books about Diwali. To get you started, we’ve compiled a selection of high-quality Diwali children’s books, which blend the magic of storytelling with valuable cultural exploration.
For those unfamiliar with it, Diwali is a vibrant holiday celebrated in Southeast Asian countries like India and Bangladesh, as well as by Hindu, Jain, and Sikh families around the world. Also known as the Festival of Lights, it marks the triumph of light over darkness and good over evil. During Diwali, families come together to light oil lamps (diyas), exchange gifts, enjoy festive meals, and make colorful art (rangoli).
If you celebrate, imagine your child’s delight as they discover characters and stories that reflect their own heritage and traditions. It’s like finding a treasure trove of relatable experiences and celebrations, all within the colorful pages of a book. And for little explorers who may not be familiar with Diwali, these stories offer a gateway into a world of new customs and festivities. So snuggle up and enjoy these captivating tales about the Festival of Lights.
Want more book recommendations? Check out our curated reading lists!